Grow as we Go
by WhiteLunaNight
Summary: You don't ever have to leave, if to change is what you need. You can change right next to me.


There were a lot of moments were he almost ran. You always knew he was a possible flight risk, but you always caught him whenever those instincts came. It was easy to tell, when the thoughts came. He thinks he's the master of deceit, but not with you, not once those walls came down, because it's harder to build them up again, especially from the ones he loved.

He always did the same thing when the thoughts and instincts came into his head. He ran his thumb over his knuckles, a habit he picked up from his mother. You talked to him, reassured him. You didn't mind doing it, especially when they started happening less and less.

It came suddenly, that day. He had been acting different throughout the morning. It all came pouring out when you sat down for lunch.

"We need to talk" he said. Those dreaded words nobody in any relationship wants to hear, but you braved yourself, ready to hear whatever he had to say. You sighed and looked him in the eyes, might as well prepare yourself for the worst. You put your fork down and focused all your attention on him. He was running his thumb over his knuckles. He took a deep breath before he started talking.

"I need to change. Being with you helped me understand that. The reason is that I don't know who I am anymore. You are so sure of yourself, with everything you do. I pretend to do that, and I don't want to pretend anymore, not with you. I think the best thing to do from now on is for us to go our separate ways." He adverted his eyes from yours when he uttered that last sentence.

_You say there's so much you don't know  
You need to go and find yourself  
You say you'd rather be alone  
'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else_

You were dumbfounded. Of all the things he could have said, this is the last thing you were expecting. You tried to catch his eye, and when that didn't work, you took one of his hands in one of yours.

_Ooh, who said it's true  
That the growing only happens on your own?  
They don't know me and you_

"I understand where you're coming from, but" he looked up at you, "Do you really need to do it on your own?"

_I don't think you have to leave  
If to change is what you need  
You can change right next to me  
When you're high, I'll take the lows  
You can ebb and I can flow  
And we'll take it slow_

"I don't know how to do it with someone by my side."

"Don't worry. I don't either."

_And grow as we go  
Grow as we go_

"I don't want to drag you down with me." You squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him.

"You won't be dragging me down, that I promise. And even if you do, I have enough strength to pull us back up." You tried giving him a smile, but he avoided your eyes. You knew he was fighting his instincts by staying in one place for so long, but he was willing to do it just to stay with you. But it was much harder to fight the voices in his head. "And anyway," he looked up at you. "Who says you're going to be the only one changing?"

_You won't be the only one  
I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn  
I don't know how this river runs  
But I'd like the company through every twist and turn_

You took a deep breath, trying to sort out the thoughts in your head and you saw that he was trying to do the same thing. He put his hand over yours that was still gripping his other one.

"You don't need changing, I do."

"I'm not saying I have to change; I'm saying that it's bound to happen. People don't stay the same, especially people who live as long as you do Loki." You took your free hand and cupped his face. He closed his eyes. You saw his resolve starting to fall. "Everybody changes a hundred times in the span of their lifes. I am not the same person I was when we first met and I won't be the same person when I'm eighty years old. The same goes for you." You ran your thumb over his cheekbone. He leaned into your touch.

_Ooh, who said it's true  
That the growing only happens on your own?  
They don't know me and you_

"I have to leave" He whispered.

"Why?" you said just as quietly.

_You don't ever have to leave  
If to change is what you need  
You can change right next to me  
When you're high, I'll take the lows  
You can ebb and I can flow  
And we'll take it slow  
And grow as we go_

He opened his eyes and the emotion in them made you take in a sharp, unneeded breath.

"I don't want to lose you."

"How will you lose me?" You asked incredulous, still whispering.

"You said so yourself: we all change. I want to leave you with the memory of who I am now. I don't want you to see the process. I don't want you to grow to resent me. It's a selfish thought but I want to leave you before you leave me." He had closed his eyes again, not wanting to meet your gaze. You took your enclosed hand out of his grip and placed it on the other side of his face, essentially cupping it.

_Grow as we go  
Grow as we go  
Grow as we go_

"Loki, look at me." It took some coxing, but he opened his eyes and meet your gaze.

_I don't know who we'll become  
I can't promise it's not written in the stars  
But I believe that when it's done  
We're gonna see that it was better  
That we grew up together_

_"_I can't promise you we will always be together. Maybe you'll get sick of me, maybe something happens that we can't get past, but," You stared intently into his eyes, trying to make him understand, "You're my Loki. I love you now, I loved you before, I will love tomorrow and the day after and the infinite days that come after that. I will never stop loving you and every version that may come."

_Tell me you don't wanna leave  
'Cause if change is what you need  
You can change right next to me  
When you're high, I'll take the lows  
You can ebb and I can flow  
We'll take it slow  
And grow as we go_

He had closed his eyes again. You knew he was trying to hold onto the last of his resolve but he seemed to find nothing. He grabbed the hands that were at the sides of his face. You sat in silence for a long time. You were giving him time to think. He was usually quick on his feet, except when it came to his heart. He thought of every possible outcome to every decision he could possibly make. But he was learning that planning didn't do much good when it came to his feelings. He had furrowed his eyebrows. You leaned in a placed a gentle kiss above it. Immediately it disappeared. He blew out a breath, his shoulders relaxing.

"You don't have to leave." You whispered against is skin. "We can change together." You drew back, seeing his eyes open. You smiled and he gave you a smile back. You knew then that everything would be alright. You would change together.

_Grow as we go  
Grow as we go  
Grow as we go_


End file.
